TinKeReLLe

when i was not yet a mom…
i never cared if i would do a bungee jump or sit on top of a speeding car…
i never bothered to wake up in the middle of the night to attend to a child crying in fever or pain…
i never had to mop the floor in the wee hours of the dawn because she threw up on it…
i never had to change those bedsheets at this same time because she had an "accident" on it…
i never had to pat or hug a child to put her to sleep…
i never had to stare and wonder how on earth could i ever see my own self on somebody else’s face…
i never had the chance to hold those small fingers and adore them lovingly…
i never had the opportunity to kiss one’s cheeks dozens of times yet could still not get enough doing it…
i never laughed and cried at the same time looking at a school’s report card or hearing teachers’ compliments…
i never had to panic because she was momentarily nowhere to be found inside the department store while shopping…
i never knew that those voices saying "mom, i’m here" are music to the ears…
i was never this tired, yet in my heart i still feel this deep joy…
i never knew what it is to keep loving and forgiving even when being deeply hurt…
i never felt so grateful to my own mom for nurturing me all those years with all the love she could ever give… (oh, how much i miss her!!!)
i would never know what i would have missed had i missed the chance of what motherhood really is…

that’s what could have been had i not become a mom.
but i am, and no one could ever take it away from me.

My heart’s been anguished,
It’s torn amongst -
choices, crossroads, constraints…
Full of uncertainties.
It’s like walking on an ice bridge,
or on broken glass.
Hazy may the future be,
But I must keep going.
‘Tis imperative, no option to stay put,
or worse, to turn back.
But what time is it?
which time, rather???
How could I tell it’s time to gather stones,
or to scatter them away?
to embrace or to refrain?
to mend or let the tear stay as it is?
I am afraid those soft voices have died.
How I nurtured them for years.
They were all mine to give.
And the violets, the roses…
They long have died.
It’s not even your soft voice
that I don’t want to die
because I doubt if it is ever there.
It’s the soft voices within me…
they are screaming to be rescued.
Are you that deaf or aren’t you just able
to feel them?
Or maybe you’d feel them, their absence…
when they are…
but dead?

i had been standing for sometime with a glass of champagne in one hand. half-conscious why i was there, unmindful of the noisy crowd around me. i was jolted back to awareness when i heard his voice again… "miss, can i have this dance?" there he was, he kissed my hand and smiled at me. "ah, sure." i said, placed the glass on the table, tried to clear my throat and my mind out of my semi-trance state. "you speak my language…?"…"of course", he said. "we come from the same place, you know." i was a dreamer…

he, a stranger. and i’m sure i have just met him for the first time but i seem to have known him forever. we danced and danced, oblivious of the moments that passed by. minutes became hours. we talked about just anything under the sun. there would be moments we ran out of words… we simply stared at each other’s eyes, aware of each other’s presence. my hand in his, his other hand at the small of my back. surprisingly my legs and my back would give way… but they didn’t. it could be because of him, his presence… or just because i was dancing my heart out. then i wasn’t sure. all i cared for was that we were together. which seemed eternity. as i gazed into his eyes i see oceans of dreams, i see bluer clouds, greener grass, livelier music. my mind told me he was far from perfect, and that my circumstances would not permit me to join him in his world but he has brought me this magical daze. i just can’t resist. it was like a dream within a dream.

i knew it was getting late and the crowd was getting thinner. then he guided me to where i stood first, gently held my hand, stared into my eyes and said "save the next dance for me, will you?" he planted a soft kiss on my cheek and was gone.

i was on the same spot, again, half-conscious, unmindful of the silence around me. the line he said when he came, the same line was uttered when he left… but this time with the appeal of wanting to dance with me…. when and where, i still do not know. time will tell. i did not even know his name.

picture "music" is from my flickrpage. pic and story taken and written by eloise, winter 2006

i did not seek you but fate brought our paths together.
at so many times and in so many ways you were there to put sunshine in my cloudy days.
funny, but it seems that we could understand each other in a very special way -
maybe because our life’s circumstances are so much similar with each other.
you feel my pain, you share my joy. your company gives me more strength to face the coming days.
too bad we have to part so soon. i wish we did have more time to cherish together.
one thing for sure, i am very, very thankful that i have met you. and if our paths should ever cross again, i would consider it a gift from above.
wherever you are, i want to tell you that you will remain, cherished in my heart, for always.

i’m getting sentimental here…. my partner [in crime] left for the philippines today - the very person i run to for comfort… hehe, vice-versa too, hello!!! hihihi, it’s because our time zones’ difference is only an hour, so we meet online very often… lambingan, asaran, tuksuhan, tampuhan… what are friends for??? i will miss you red, baby! *bleeh* enjoy your vacation!!! come back to europe safe and whole. *bleeh again* basta…. just missed you.

(picture taken 28 march 2006, amsterdam)

Thanks To You (Tyler Collins)

Thank you for teaching me how to love Showing me what the world means What I've been dreamin' of And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do Thanks to You 

For teaching me how to feel Showing me my emotions Letting me know what's real From what is not What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for And a lot of what I hope for is Thanks to you 

No mountain, no valley No time, no space No heartache, no heartbreak No fall from grace Can't stop me from believing That my love will pull me through Thanks to You 

There's no mountain, no valley No time, no space No heartache, no heartbreak No fall from grace Can't stop me from believing That my love will see me through Thanks to You Thanks to You 

For teaching me how to live Putting things in perspective Showing me how to give And how to take No mistake We were put here together And if I breakdown Forgive me but it's true That I'm aching with the love I feel inside Thanks to you .... 


niCum, h0ney...what can i say? the poundings of my heart are faster than what my mind could conceiveand how my hands could fiddle. it has been years of laughter and tears, health and pain, scarcity and bounty. i have loved you with my every strength. god knows how my heart and my portion fail but i still dare say that i do still love you deeply. i have seen you scuffle and shuffle through life's hardships yet you have never forgotten that somebody up above vindicates. your dedication as a father moves me. i appreciate so much the fact that we remain friends all through these years. never have i seen anyone more genuine than you. i shouldn't ask for more. our future isn't for us to foretell but my today says i love you forever. honey, happy 10th year anniversary with much love!

16 sept 2006

with what is going on recently i can’t help but feel cheerlessly unsure. i am actually not surprised. its cause anticipated. the cost has been counted. the die is cast. i have given my ALL. regret couldn’t grab a space for itself. this is just new because i have to battle with self-confidence which is not normal for me since i am often always secure of myself and with the decisions i have made in life. but this new, intense and rare emotional upheaval somehow shakes my being. the rebellious nature in me is roused. the best and worst in me are on the lose. i sometimes catch myself both loving and hating. i have been guarding my heart from false expectations for fear of frustrations. my ideals have become simply wishes because i know life’s realities bite oftentimes. every now and then i gasp and grope for the light at the end of the tunnel hoping for a little assurance that things will just be fine in the end - even just a bit of it. is that too much to ask? 

the dutch being stingy always find ways to save.  i tried to internalize this so i do the laundry during the weekend - now that is highly dutch!!! and today i’ve exhausted myself with 3 washloads and ironed a hill of clothing. but, *pointer waving* i did the incredibly undutch! : i ironed sooo many clothes - mine, the girls, and 15 pieces of hubby’s overhemden met korte en lange mouwen (short and long sleeved shirts). could you believe?? the most that i’ve done were 4-6 pieces only, but tonight while watching the football match between NL’s oranje and portugal, temporarily turning the sitting room to a laundry space, i obliviously kept ironing and ironing, maybe because i was sooo engrossed and jittery since our players lost, ach! but back to my homechore thingy, no dutch woman or let’s say "dutched woman" will ever do this. and those pinays with dutch spouses could vow that the men in their lives could certainly iron their own clothes, do their own laundry, hoover the floor, empty the bins, prepare their own meals. i don’t know what prodded me to go extra mile tonight. what i know is that since we got married, VA, my hubby hasn’t bought his own clothes or shoes by himself. it’s either i am with him, or i buy his garments myself even in his absence. so far i haven’t failed getting him the right size… from footwear, bottomwear and topwear. i just want him to look swell. and he doesn’t mind me minding him, lol! that is another undutch thingy. lucky him hé? nyahahaha!!!

these shirts are still moist from laundry, yet i would rather iron them while a bit wet than let them fully dry because it would be more difficult to flatten the creased material. i will have to allow them to dry and take them out from the laundry hangers, hang them in hubby’s closet to join the rest of these shirts (guess he has at least a dozen clean ones inside) and voila…. he has enough to wear to work, soil them, and throw them to the laundry bin to be picked up, washed and ironed again… by me. ohhh, how mundane!!!!

how could i ever forget your eyes when through them i see the sadness of your soul? how could i not remember your touch when nobody else makes me feel that way? my soul is parched, thirsty for you… my heart is in want, yearning for you. will you only be an elusive dream to me? i want you more than you ever know. i want to hold you as i never have held you. i want to kiss you like i’ve never done before. but will that be equally forbidding? or you just want to play along thinking here is this very soul, pour soul, desperate to give chances… regardless… despite…. well, i do not damn care.

love me… that is all that matters now… that is all that will matter tomorrow.

Lately, I’ve delved into my cousin Sheryn’s, songs… and this one caught my attention… i can not tell exactly what caused me to like this… it could be the passion and confidence of the woman in this song, it could be the music video that comes with it that Sheryn sang soooo amorously (she and a certain Uma Khouny), or it could be just the present status of my heart… hmm, i guess it’s indeed my heart.

anyway, this is the song… i’m posting this here so that i could sing along when i play it on the cd… hahaha, TH me… but who cares???? :p

What I Do Best…

I, I know that you’ve lost your way
You need to find that somewhere you belong
You, you’ve been running from yesterday
You will stumble and you’ll find sometimes to love come shining through
And I will be waiting there for you ….
‘Cause what I do best is love you like a woman loves her man
I can love you more than any other woman can
So just that I will pull you through and let me do the rest
‘Cause loving you is what I do best ….
Time, there’ll be enough time to spare
And if you let me, I can turn your world around
Time, enough, there’s more than enough to share
We can climb the highest mountain, forever can begin, yeah
So open your heart and let me in ….
The tears you’ve cried before had disappeared
But if they come again one night
And if the darkness hides the light
And if you have to stay and fight
You know that I’ll be there ….
(What I do best) What I do best
(Love you like a woman loves her man) Love you like a woman loves her man
(I can love you more than any other woman can) I can love you more than anyone
So take this heart so strong and true and let me do the rest
‘Cause loving you, loving you
‘Cause loving you is what I do best

in this flatland, this view is refreshing. i didn’t even realize that i have missed country life so much. i miss the smell of grass, walking barefootedly on the sand listening to the chirping of the birds or simply being in the countryside. oh, well, i’ve learned to just be grateful wherever i am. viewing this photo already brings me there.