Memoirs (1st in 2parts)
I was biking on my way home one evening from work. It might be the cool and beautiful weather (which doesn’t happen often in this country) but can’t remember exactly what ignited my thoughts but suddenly I just started to sing some good ole songs… gosh, I was singing in a way that i didn’t care if somebody was listening. I made a mental pat on my own shoulder, saying “Hmm.., brave girl!”
In each song came a face, and each face brought forth memories… Memories of long ago.
Good ole memories.
They belong to those who have touched my life in one way or another. If i were to see them face to face now, I would really wish them well. why? Because they have contributed to what and who I am now.
Many times, I wished you were here
through the velvet shadows of my dreams
many times, I wished you were near
through the darkness as it came, but it seems
that you, you never said what I needed to hear
Just tell me you love me
whisper words I so long to hear
let this time not be borrowed
let it be ours to share
if you tell me you love me
it will lead a way to your heart
through the nearness of silence
you love me (Just Tell Me You Love Me…England Dan/John Ford Coley)
This reminds me of Michael - high school junior year…he was that good looking guy you always see in jeans, rugged tshirts, tousled hair. *scratch head * with a folded all-subject-notebook inserted into his back pocket. seeing his potentials I lured him to do a one-on-one question and answer on the symbols of elements in our chemistry subject. He took the bait. We ended up spending almost every library hour together. During regular class hours, I would ask for his notebook and write down what was discussed on that day. Hmm, that was effective. I had good memory (then?) and didn’t have to struggle hard to earn higher grades… was just complacent maintaining grades to keep my scholarship. He started to shine in school. Both teachers and fellow students noticed… well-groomed, better grades, stopped cutting classes, active in extra-curricular activities… One of those school occasions, we had to rehearse a class presentation. During the final rehearsal, he just held my hand and placed it to his chest and said, “thank you”, I simply smiled. The following day, he sang this song…I don’t know if he sang that for me…but I saw the sparkles in his eyes… that made me even more proud of him. A few weeks later , I reckoned he could “do it” by himself and decided to “drop” him. I saw his “pain”, questioning!… I simply told him, “you’ll be fine. keep doing your best.” He did try but I admit the intensity wasn’t there anymore. He kept distant from that time onward, but we remained friends.
The following year…
If I had to live my life without you near me
the days would all be empty
the nights would seem so long
with you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
but it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young
and we both know they’ll take us
where we want to go…
Hold me now, touch me now, I don’t want to live without you…
(Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You -Glenn Medeiros)
I know it’s hard, but just, just try to imagine singing this song out of tune… whoa!!!! What a turn-off right? What can I do??? Albert sang this in front during our music class. Everyone was staring at me *cry * Oh, no! as if their looks meant “there goes your boyfriend!” I felt like disappearing!!!! But since that didn’t happen, I just had to console myself with how Albert looked… He was one head taller than me, nicely-combed hair, clean and ironed white polo-shirt, black pants, white socks, black shoes… exactly what the school uniform was! Did I mention his shirt pocket bears the school’s logo? And you would surely see a well-folded piece of handkerchief if you look into his pocket! He’s the guy who you will right way describe as “surely to succeed!” His dad drove him to school each morning and he chose not to be picked up to bring me to the bus stop each afternoon. His younger sister and brother even called me “ate” (a courteous way to address an older sister). He biked all the way up north…around an hour, to visit me one week-end. I was shocked when he told me one day “Don’t be too wild when you are with your friends, ok? Remember, you are already carrying my name.” *blush * Anyway, I grunted even more after that music class because Michael, who was also in the same class, teased the hell out of me by singing “something interchanged my love for you” grrr!!! That was too serious for me. Before we turned one year I dumped him for Tony.
Tony.. . the college drop-out… ruggedly handsome… jeans, tight-fitting shirt, so neat…his nails looked pink. his eyes danced. He would escort me on my way home from the bus stop. I was enthralled by his shy and quite yet adventurous spirit…. not lording over me like Albert He told me his funny experiences with friends in and out of school. Most of all, he stole my heart each time he sang with his guitar. Him plucking the strings seemed fingers that tickled my heart. He adored jazz music… and this one was one of his favorites…(which cassette tape he also mailed to me) hehe, cassette tape? You could imagine how long ago was that!
I‘ve got to know where I stand
I just for to know where I am with youSso here’s penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
Walkin’ holdin’ hands, you say you’re mine all mine
Then soon another face steals your eyes away
It’s just a guessing game and I can’t help feelin’ used
Love shouldn’t be so darn confused
So here’s penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me (Penny For Your Thoughts- Tavares)
He kept promising to visit me home when he has recovered his “name”. By the way he was on his sophomore year in electronics when he and his friends were
”caught in the act” smoking dope. How, by whom, I had no idea. He resorted to making music, fixing simple electronic devises and helping in their family’s food business. Since we were from the same place, I got to meet his mom and aunt. Why, they were so insecure! They would tell me that Tony doesn’t not deserve to have me! *sigh*
Off I went to the university so we didn’t get to see each other often. He never failed to send me cards during occasions. However, he was never able to keep his promise even after 2 years. Speaking of character eh?
College Sophomore…Auggie, the engineer
Girl you are to me, all that a woman should be,
And I dedicate my life to you always
The love like yours is grand,
It must have been sent from up above
And I know you’ll stay this way, for always
And we both know, that our love will grow
And forever it will be you and me
Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always
Came with me my sweet,
Let’s go make a family,
And they will bring us joy, for always
Oh boy I love your soul,
I can’t find enough ways to let you know
But you can be sure of course, for always
And we both know, that our love will grow
And forever it will be you and me
Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always
Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always
I will love you so, for always
(Always-Atlantic Star)
Auggie went to the same school with me (as did Michael and Albert). Only, he was three years older. He just can’t NOT take notice of me because we were on the same scholarship sponsorship and his sister, Cel and I were of the same batch…even until college..same course, same school. Auggie, the country boy: simple, down to earth, intelligent, real, funny, thoughtful. Looks? He has it too! But at the time I first met him in highschool, he looked like a freshman in his senior year. *laugh* I was quite amazed how he looked like after 4.5 years in mechanical engineering. Dark eyes and lashes, bushy well-shaped eyebrows, straight nose, small but pouty lips (those that others may consider kissable..hehe, don’t ask me!). Due to the fact that Cel and I were friends way back in highschool, their flat became my second home, next to the exclusive dormitory where I lived. There were even days when I literally had all the meals in their place together with another close friend since highschool. Naturally, friendship was the first bond between him and me. He also knew about Michael and Albert (and Tony too!) He was my mentor in math which was my waterloo (and still is). Improving our guitar playing bonded us even more. We even sang “always” a number of times together taking turns in strumming the guitar. (This is my longest entry I believe, so I will spare myself from more keyboard effort by getting to the main elements) We became boyfriend girlfriend few days after he confessed his jealousy when in passing I mentioned that I got a crush on his classmate. Poetry and letter-writing became a routine in our new level friendship…not that we lived miles apart… in fact we lived in adjacent streets, 5-7minutes walk away from each other. There were times we had to make some alibis to our families so to stay longer in the city when all the other students had to go home for vacation. We just wanted to be next to each other…. He soon finished schooling. I was the wind beneath his wings when he took and passed the board with flying colors. The same pattern happened to my feelings for him… I felt bored, tired, cold, distant- the urge to make another “hit and run” ..But his maturity and perseverance helped me carry on.
Long distance phone calls and more snailmails connected us when he was assigned in a distant city to manage a sawmill for a national paper industry. Absence made our hearts grew fonder. Those were the times when only in our letters could we express to each other the passion of our love. 3-4 times a year we would see each other… all those times we renewed our version of “always”. His quiet and respectful manners stole my parents’ hearts. I could only chuckle because I know how high my dad’s expectations were.
One morning I had to be rushed to the hospital for severe stomach pain. It was then found out and decided that I needed an appendectomy. The following day, when I woke up, Auggie with his very much concerned look, was on my bedside with a big basket of fruits. I wanted to cry upon seeing him. Surely I appreciated his effort to fly to visit me. I didn’t even know he knew my situation…but he was able to convince my bestfriend/roommate to tell him what really happened to me. His presence brought me mixed emotions. There was anxiety that I could not define. Untimely, one might say, but later that day, I found out why… My bestfriend told me ugly news… that Auggie’s family was furious that he took an emergency leave just for me. I didn’t even know that a relative died the week before but he didn’t manage to go home. They were utterly jealous!!! The little gossips in the past rekindled. I remembered how his dad would tell another parent from school that he and his wife didn’t like me for their son because I was far too sociable compared to their low profile in the society…. that they were not sure if I would let them into my home if I married their son…”Oh, he’s just a new full-pledged engineer!”… Those things I ignored because I found them petty.
The following evening, I just decided to put an end to our relationship. I knew it wasn’t fair. But I knew too that I could withstand a broken heart, but not a hammered ego. He pleaded that I change my mind, but I was firm. I wasn’t ready to fight for he relationship. I felt too young and vulnerable. Worse, I felt rejected, more so, by the loved ones of the man I loved. I cried and cried! I terribly missed him! I missed the letters, the memories… but my pride made me succeed in letting go… Amazing, the “mind” in me worked. My “heart” faded. Few months later, the Auggie in my dreams, in my diary, in my picture album, in my daily mail, became merely a shadow in the past… almost in oblivion….
Really?
