TinKeReLLe

After graduation I decided to give myself a break. Won’t get master’s course as planned, won’t work… so I just stayed home then paid granny a visit in my dad’s hometown. It was there when my playful heart stopped playing and began “praying”. I never thought my childhood friend and neighbor could change my heart within a few days being bf/gf. A day seemed incomplete without us seeing each other. Such ardour was so intense to the point that I even composed a poem expressing my disappointment with the heavy rain that stopped us from meeting one evening. Outwardly, Nelmer was a head turner… the mestizo chinese look, (I remembered when I was small, his grandfather was the town’s successful Chinese merchant) masculine, straight dark brown hair, thin lips that give away those shy but sly smiles… no wonder girls ran after him. Was just glad I didn’t have to. I myself couldn’t figure out what was in him that mesmerized me. Good looks isn’t the thing for me… but I knew in my heart that I would never be able to love anybody else the way I have had loved Nelmer. Maybe because I knew him since we were kids, maybe because his parents were my parents’ friends and colleagues, maybe because he’s the cousin of my best friend… I just couldn’t explain. He wasn’t the intellectual type, he even barely made it to finish his seamanship degree, was not an articulate speaker, not sporty, not musically/artistically inclined. But with him, dreams and plans to build a family were made, for him I chose to let go of my standard of a man. I knew I’ve learned to love unconditionally for the first time. I rejected other men who showed interest in me… those I’ve met during weddings and other celebrations. I was even convinced that I loved Nelmer more than anyone else when I met Auggie again, unexpectedly. I was just walking along one of the city’s uptown streets when I realized it was he walking behind me. He didn’t recognize my short bob haircut. He too was surprised too see me. We had some quick barbeque together then we walked towards our destination (we were still neighbors) but before we parted ways I said yes to his offer to give me a visit that night. The visit was short. I simply told him that I was into a serious relationship and that that might lead into marriage very soon. I must admit that I was feeling strange when he left. But I knew I only felt sorry for him… that we were not meant for each other. Life with Nelmer was still dreamful, although we both knew that soon he had to go overseas and we had to temporarily part, that soon he will come back and we’ll fulfil our dreams…I never thought that day was sooner… and it was still me who will do the “letting go”… never thought than in tears I would be singing this song…in Nelmer’s arms…

We had the right love

At the wrong time

Guess I always knew inside

I wouldn’t have you for a long time

Those dreams of yours

Are shining on distant shores

And if they’re calling you away

I have no right to make you stay

But somewhere down the road

Our roads are gonna cross again

It doesn’t really matter when

But somewhere down the road

I know that heart of yours

Will come to see

That you belong with me …

(Somewhere Down the Road- Barry Manilow)

For some nobler reasons, I had to let go of him. No other man involved. We both cried. He understood and respected my decision. We still longed that in the end it will be the two of us together, but it wasn’t ours to tell at that moment. We had to let someone up there declare it at the right time… Ours must indeed be the right love at the wrong time.

I had to nurse my heart for many months after the break up… but I was sure it was the best way. It took me quite a long time to consider trying another relationship again… although I didn’t run out of wholesome dinner/ beach dates. No boyfriend, just plain dates, often even went foursome.

Till Dan came. We were in a gathering for some outreach program. It was towards the end that somebody played some soft music….

… so it`s you I`ve been waiting for so long

so it`s you where were you all along

very special moments these will always be with me

We are here you and I we belong

We touched and we felt more beautiful at two hands reaching out filled with so much longing It felt good inside there is no denying

I’m in love. (Keno)

That was when he proposed to me with a bunch of flowers… very romantic… because that’s what Dan was. He was my best friend at that time…kind of “confidante”…but the thought of us becoming sweethearts did not escape my mind… so I accepted the proposal only to find out that we were better off as friends. I realized that I couldn’t replace Nelmer in my heart. Dan felt it, did his best to make the relationship work out, but it didn’t. 11 months later we both sat down to end up the relationship.

Before the year was over, Reggie came into the view. We were in the same school when he took up nursing. We dated, exchanged hand-made cards. We often went together in groups but we always had time to talk to each other. I was looking forward to get to know him even more. Then his American dream took him away. He guiltily explained to me that he really needed to go to the USA to practice his profession for financial reason. I remembered lying down in bed that night with tears in my eyes… I knew it’s time of letting go again… I was still crying when the radio aired:

I could hardly believe it, when I heard the news today

I had to come and get it straight from you They said you were leaving,

someone’s swept your heart away

From the look upon your face, I see it’s true. So tell me all about it, tell me ’bout the plans you’re making

Then tell me one thing more before I go

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you Now that I’ve been loving you so long

How am I supposed to live without you?

How am I supposed to carry on?

When all that I’ve been living for is gone?

(How Am I Supposed to Live Without You- Michael Bolton)

Al was the one next in line. We were working together in a young professional’s group. First impression was “this guy is the trying hard type”. What a turn-off! Things he said seemed not natural, they seemed rehearsed, memorized. He paid careful attention to how he walked, talked, dressed. Everything seemed counted. Each time I was with him I felt like I was in a military drill. Then later on, I found out that he indeed went to a rigid military training and there he learned to be self-disciplined. Then I noticed that I started appreciating his efforts, I began seeing him as “not trying hard”, but he was only doing his best. Ha-ha! That’s the blindness Naughty Cupid could sometimes bring… Hmm… many times we dated. We organized weddings and emceed programs together. We were partners in dances in a lot of times…and oh, he danced very well!!! A lot of our friends were already giggling saying we looked good together… and that even helped build-up the expectation inside. Months passed and no proposal came… I simply waited… waited till I was transferred to a provincial assignment… Funny, it was near his parents’ place but ironically he didn’t ask to be transferred so we could still work together. While working in my new assignment, I just caught myself singing this…

When I wake up each morning

Trying to find myself

And if I’m ever the least unsure I always remind myself

Though you’re someone in this world

That all always choose to love

From now on you’re only someone That I used to love

As for me it’s getting down to the last unspoken part

When you must begin to ease the pain of a broken heart

Tell me why should I even care If I have to lose your love

From now on you’re only someone

That I used to love I wish it was enough for you All the love I had to give

And I did my best to keep you satisfied I guess you’ll never know how much I tried I really tried…

(Someone That I Used to Love- Barbra Streisand)

Those songs, I still remember very well… Those men… I simply wish them well. For all the hurts I might have caused them, I’m very sorry. Their memories are treasures I will keep. As I’ve said they have helped me become what I am now. Michael, as I’ve heard, is married and has settled in another city. Albert, I still see him when I visit the Philippines. His business is doing very well. He’s married and has four kids. I met Tony while I was working with Al, and he told me he’s already married and have a kid. I have no idea what has happened to Auggie L but I’m sure he is doing well in his career. Nelmer on the other hand never went overseas. He was hooked into gambling. He took his previously married girlfriend to his house giving so much pain to his mom. I sometimes feel I’m being blamed for “dropping” him. But God knows I didn’t. I feel sorry for him and I hope he’ll be able to get out from his life’s crisis. Dan, was in fact one of the groomsmen in my wedding. And why not? I designed his wedding invites and even decorated his wedding. His wife and I keep in touch with each other as often as we can. It was a clean and wholesome relationship so we could just return to the friendship where we started. Nobody could tell how my heart fluttered the first time his son and my eldest daughter went to the same class together with me as their teacher! You might just guess what went to my mind! But that was years ago… and who could predict what comes tomorrow? Reggie visited the country with his fiancé after my second daughter was born. And Al, my husband’s best friend… was the best man on my wedding day! His feeble mind took him 2 more relationships then finally settled when my eldest daughter was 4years old and was a flower girl in his wedding. And to add: I personally made the white lily and roses bouquet for his bride.

I’m happy for most of them though I’m sad for one.

You may just shake your head after reading all these… I, myself, couldn’t help but smile as I recount the things those years brought me… or shall I say, the things that I brought to those years? *laughs and shrugs*

Nobody could really tell what the future holds. All I know is that how much you drive your life’s wheel, Somebody bigger is actually driving it for you!

This is where that fine-evening-bicycle ride brought me… It brought those songs out, those memories out of me.

For my honey and best buddy, here’s for you and me:

You fill up me senses like a night in a forest Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean

You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you

Let me drown in your laughter,

let me die in your arms

Let me lay down beside you,

let me always be with you

Come let me love you,

come love me again.

…Let me give my life to you

Come let me love you, come love me again. You fill up my senses like a night in a forest Like the mountains in springtime,

like a walk in the rain Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean

You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

(Annie’s Song by John Denver)

VA, my husband, in you I have become free! I have known what it is to really love and be loved… without limitation.. without inhibition… Honey, I love you, and I always will!

I was biking on my way home one evening from work. It might be the cool and beautiful weather (which doesn’t happen often in this country) but can’t remember exactly what ignited my thoughts but suddenly I just started to sing some good ole songs… gosh, I was singing in a way that i didn’t care if somebody was listening. I made a mental pat on my own shoulder, saying “Hmm.., brave girl!”

In each song came a face, and each face brought forth memories… Memories of long ago.

Good ole memories.

They belong to those who have touched my life in one way or another.  If i were to see them face to face now, I would really wish them well.  why? Because they have contributed to what and who I am now.

Many times, I wished you were here
through the velvet shadows of my dreams
many times, I wished you were near
through the darkness as it came, but it seems
that you, you never said what I needed to hear

Just tell me you love me
whisper words I so long to hear
let this time not be borrowed
let it be ours to share
if you tell me you love me
it will lead a way to your heart
through the nearness of silence
you love me     (Just Tell Me You Love Me…England Dan/John Ford Coley)

This reminds me of Michael -  high school junior year…he was that good looking guy you always see in jeans, rugged tshirts, tousled hair. *scratch head * with a folded all-subject-notebook inserted into his back pocket. seeing his potentials I lured him to do a one-on-one question and answer on the symbols of elements in our chemistry subject. He took the bait. We ended up spending almost every library hour together. During regular class hours, I would ask for his notebook and write down what was discussed on that day. Hmm, that was effective. I had good memory (then?) and didn’t have to struggle hard to earn higher grades… was just complacent maintaining grades to keep my scholarship. He started to shine in school. Both teachers and fellow students noticed… well-groomed, better grades, stopped cutting classes, active in extra-curricular activities… One of those school occasions, we had to rehearse a class presentation. During the final rehearsal, he just held my hand and placed it to his chest and said, “thank you”, I simply smiled. The following day, he sang this song…I don’t know if he sang that for me…but I saw the sparkles in his eyes… that made me even more proud of him. A few weeks later , I reckoned he could “do it” by himself and decided to “drop” him. I saw his “pain”, questioning!… I simply told him, “you’ll be fine. keep doing your best.”  He did try but I admit the intensity wasn’t there anymore. He kept distant from that time onward, but we remained friends.

The following year…

If I had to live my life without you near me

the days would all be empty
the nights would seem so long
with you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
but it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young
and we both know they’ll take us
where we want to go…

Hold me now, touch me now, I don’t want to live without you…

(Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You -Glenn Medeiros)

I know it’s hard, but just, just try to imagine singing this song out of tune… whoa!!!! What a turn-off right? What can I do??? Albert sang this in front during our music class. Everyone was staring at me *cry * Oh, no! as if their looks meant “there goes your boyfriend!” I felt like disappearing!!!! But since that didn’t happen, I just had to console myself with how Albert looked… He was one head taller than me, nicely-combed hair, clean and ironed white polo-shirt, black pants, white socks, black shoes… exactly what the school uniform was! Did I mention his shirt pocket bears the school’s logo? And you would surely see a well-folded piece of handkerchief if you look into his pocket! He’s the guy who you will right way describe as “surely to succeed!” His dad drove him to school each morning and he chose not to be picked up to bring me to the bus stop each afternoon. His younger sister and brother even called me “ate” (a courteous way to address an older sister). He biked all the way up north…around an hour, to visit me one week-end. I was shocked when he told me one day “Don’t be too wild when you are with your friends, ok? Remember, you are already carrying my name.” *blush *  Anyway, I grunted even more after that music class because Michael, who was also in the same class, teased the hell out of me by singing “something interchanged my love for you” grrr!!! That was too serious for me. Before we turned one year I dumped him for Tony.

Tony.. . the college drop-out… ruggedly handsome… jeans, tight-fitting shirt, so neat…his nails looked pink. his eyes danced. He would escort me on my way home from the bus stop. I was enthralled by his shy and quite yet adventurous spirit…. not lording over me like Albert He told me his funny experiences with friends in and out of school. Most of all, he stole my heart each time he sang with his guitar. Him plucking the strings seemed fingers that tickled my heart. He adored jazz music… and this one was one of his favorites…(which cassette tape he also mailed to me) hehe, cassette tape? You could imagine how long ago was that!

I‘ve got to know where I stand
I just for to know where I am with youSso here’s penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me

Walkin’ holdin’ hands, you say you’re mine all mine
Then soon another face steals your eyes away
It’s just a guessing game and I can’t help feelin’ used
Love shouldn’t be so darn confused

So here’s penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me
penny for your thoughts, a nickel for a kiss
a dime if you tell me that you love me     (Penny For Your Thoughts- Tavares)

He kept promising to visit me home when he has recovered his “name”. By the way he was on his sophomore year in electronics when he and his friends were
”caught in the act” smoking dope. How, by whom, I had no idea. He resorted to making music, fixing simple electronic devises and helping in their family’s food business. Since we were from the same place, I got to meet his mom and aunt. Why, they were so insecure! They would tell me that Tony doesn’t not deserve to have me! *sigh*

Off I went to the university so we didn’t get to see each other often. He never failed to send me cards during occasions. However, he was never able to keep his promise even after 2 years. Speaking of character eh?

College Sophomore…Auggie, the engineer

Girl you are to me, all that a woman should be,
And I dedicate my life to you always
The love like yours is grand,
It must have been sent from up above
And I know you’ll stay this way, for always

And we both know, that our love will grow
And forever it will be you and me
Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always

Came with me my sweet,
Let’s go make a family,
And they will bring us joy, for always

Oh boy I love your soul,
I can’t find enough ways to let you know
But you can be sure of course, for always

And we both know, that our love will grow
And forever it will be you and me
Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always

Ooh your life is sun,
Chasing all the rain away,
When you come around you bring a brighter day
You’re the perfect one
For me and you forever we’ll be
And I will love you so for always

I will love you so, for always

(Always-Atlantic Star)

Auggie went to the same school with me (as did Michael and Albert). Only, he was three years older. He just can’t NOT take notice of me because we were on the same scholarship sponsorship and his sister, Cel and I were of the same batch…even until college..same course, same school. Auggie, the country boy: simple, down to earth, intelligent, real, funny, thoughtful. Looks? He has it too! But at the time I first met him in highschool, he looked like a freshman in his senior year. *laugh* I was quite amazed how he looked like after 4.5 years in mechanical engineering. Dark eyes and lashes, bushy well-shaped eyebrows, straight nose, small but pouty lips (those that others may consider kissable..hehe, don’t ask me!). Due to the fact that Cel and I were friends way back in highschool, their flat became my second home, next to the exclusive dormitory where I lived. There were even days when I literally had all the meals in their place together with another close friend since highschool. Naturally, friendship was the first bond between him and me. He also knew about Michael and Albert (and Tony too!) He was my mentor in math which was my waterloo (and still is). Improving our guitar playing bonded us even more. We even sang “always” a number of times together taking turns in strumming the guitar. (This is my longest entry I believe, so I will spare myself from more keyboard effort by getting to the main elements) We became boyfriend girlfriend few days after he confessed his jealousy when in passing I mentioned that  I got a crush on his classmate. Poetry and letter-writing became a routine in our new level friendship…not that we lived miles apart… in fact we lived in adjacent streets, 5-7minutes walk away from each other. There were times we had to make some alibis to our families so to stay longer in the city when all the other students had to go home for vacation. We just wanted to be next to each other…. He soon finished schooling. I was the wind beneath his wings when he took and passed the board with flying colors. The same pattern happened to my feelings for him… I felt bored, tired, cold, distant- the urge to make another “hit and run” ..But his maturity and perseverance helped me carry on.

Long distance phone calls and more snailmails connected us when he was assigned in a distant city to manage a sawmill for a national paper industry. Absence made our hearts grew fonder. Those were the times when only in our letters could we express to each other the passion of our love. 3-4 times a year we would see each other… all those times we renewed our version of “always”. His quiet and respectful manners stole my parents’ hearts. I could only chuckle because I know how high my dad’s expectations were.

One morning I had to be rushed to the hospital for severe stomach pain. It was then found out and decided that I needed an appendectomy. The following day,  when I woke up, Auggie with his very much concerned look, was on my bedside with a big basket of fruits. I wanted to cry upon seeing him. Surely I appreciated his effort to fly to visit me. I didn’t even know he knew my situation…but he was able to convince my bestfriend/roommate to tell him what really happened to me. His presence brought me mixed emotions. There was anxiety that I could not define. Untimely, one might say, but later that day, I found out why… My bestfriend told me ugly news… that Auggie’s family was furious that he took an emergency leave just for me. I didn’t even know that a relative died the week before but he didn’t manage to go home. They were utterly jealous!!! The little gossips in the past rekindled. I remembered how his dad would tell another parent from school that he and his wife didn’t like me for their son because I was far too sociable compared to their low profile in the society…. that they were not sure if I would let them into my home if I married their son…”Oh, he’s just a new full-pledged engineer!”… Those things I ignored because I found them petty.

The following evening, I just decided to put an end to our relationship. I knew it wasn’t fair. But I knew too that I could withstand a broken heart, but not a hammered ego. He pleaded that I change my mind, but I was firm. I wasn’t ready to fight for he relationship. I felt too young and vulnerable. Worse, I felt rejected, more so, by the loved ones of the man I loved. I cried and cried! I terribly missed him! I missed the letters, the memories… but my pride made me succeed in letting go… Amazing, the “mind” in me worked. My “heart” faded. Few months later, the Auggie in my dreams, in my diary, in my picture album, in my daily mail, became merely a shadow in the past… almost in oblivion….

Really?